Coffin MKII

Which is better: to be born rich? Or to rake in mind-blowing profits hauling priceless cargo through Thresher infested waters, while your crew plays hand grenade volleyball ten feet from the depth charges?

Behold the Coffin MKII. It is a true engineering wonder, with engineers wondering why it moves at all. When the blueprints for this second edition of the Coffin reached our chief engineer, she thought it was a clever attempt at frustrating the legal team. To her horror, it is real, it is complete, and it is for sale today.

The Coffin MKII is a transport type sub, but we don't stop where other companies do. Crates are a form of cargo, yet so are explosives, government experiments, and even people. When you say "I need to move something", we don't wait for you to say, "without the government knowing". Because why wait to add a double-shelled hull design, countless smuggler's compartments, and X-ray shielding?

Sure, the crew might voice complaints, like "I hear someone reciting the communist manifesto in the walls", but what crew doesn't have complainers? With the Coffin MKII, the answer could be "this one". Gone are the days when sailors could commit the evil act of unionizing, because on the Coffin MKII, bunker-busting and union-busting both use the same level of ordinance. At the press of a button, the captain can flashbang the whole crew with high-intensity stun grenades capable of 'stunning' a man's leg clean off his body.

Of course, security is meant to stop things before it gets to that point. To that end, we have installed high-caliber security cameras throughout the sub. Our color theorists assured us that red was an energizing and empowering color, so we took the chance to install terminator red security searchlights in them, to ensure the team performs at their best when they're being scrutinized. Security is also provided with extra firearms, as the Coffin MKII's "rat tunnels" (as the maintenance shafts are lovingly called) have a tendency to accumulate the occasional vent clown, or sovereign citizen. In anticipation of this unfortunate reality, we have taken the liberty of adding a masterfully designed brig. With three luxuriously padded rooms, these cells are designed with pragmatism in mind. Nobody wants to feel like a burden, and that's why we have installed advertisements along the outside of the brig, so that your prisoners can generate you sweet, sweet ad revenue for every minute they waste in your dungeon. We also included some extra passenger seating alongside the outer dorsal hull, for when the crew has a surplus of suits and a lack of available space.

Engineeering is fully kitted out as per the standard for Tier 2 submarines. Fabricator, medical fabricator, and deconstructor are all available, along with three engines and a ballast flora bomb compartment. The reactor on the Coffin MKII has seen a serious overhaul, and is now visible on both sonars and geiger counters for miles around. The deafening roar of the engines keeps small animals out of the radiator, and the open ballast design has been accounted for with an almost-enclosed junction compartment that has been rated as "almost no longer the greatest fire hazard on board".

Medical has also been given an upgrade, as the former dingy prison bed crammed into a concrete corner is now a top-of-the-line medical suite. The Coffin MKII stands apart, however, as the medical role is meant to save just more than one person. With our patented Mercy Under Reasonable Dire Emergency Response (MURDER) system, a simple lever pull activates a repurposed wood chipper and reduces any quarantined patients into a fine red mist over the course of several agonizing minutes. In our tests, this system has reduced walk-in patient visits by more than 90%!

For passengers and assistants, the Coffin MKII has everything their heart could desire. An assistant's guild is the perfect place for meeting like-minded lemmings, and comes pre-stocked with the goofiest of clowning supplies. A claustrophobic crew quarters lets you sleep mere feet away from the button that activates the Sword of Damocles dangling precariously over the captain's head. We even included a full size volleyball court next to the junction compartment, although due to funding issues the gym wall has been replaced with tempered glass, and the closest thing our suppliers had to a volleyball was a variety pack of mystery grenades. Both are included for your enjoyment.

With a massive cargo bay, ten turrets, and gunner's baskets for cramming your least favorite security officers, the Coffin MKII is looked better on paper than ever before.